Tegami-手紙
by KouHana
Summary: 'I never showed you my weak side, because you always admired me for my strength. There was no way I could show you.' [RivaMika]


A/N: WARNING: Suicide is being mentioned in this fic, so if you're not comfortable with reading about suidice, I suggest you to NOT read this fic.  
I'm so sorry for not uploading a fic, please don't kill me ;-;. I promise that I will be writing more from now on c':  
Also, I'm still new to this whole 'writing-a-fic' thing so please don't bully me too much xD

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'I should've never let you go. I should've never acted strong in front of you. There are so many things I should've never done.

Because of the things I did (and didn't), you are gone (now). I never wanted to be selfish. You said you hated selfish people, so I tried my best to avoid the things you hated. Now I understand I _should_ have been selfish, I should have done everything to make you stay. Even if you started hating me for it. I rather have you hating me than what I am feeling now. People always realize their mistakes _after_ they make decisions.

Two years, you said. In two years I'll be back. I remember I thought your lips said 'an eterity' instead of two years. I remember how sad I was, but I didn't show you. I never showed you my weak side, because you always admired me for my strength. There was _no way_ I could show you. But I think you knew when I was sad.

Whenever I felt sad, you always hugged me. Hugged me as if I was as dear as your life. I always wanted to cry when you hugged me like that, but instead of crying, I asked you 'what's wrong, why are you hugging me like that?'. I wanted to make it seem like everything was alright, but in fact, it wasn't.

Right before you left, you kissed me. It felt like we kissed for an eternity, but after the kiss ended, it felt like we didn't even kiss at all. I knew you were going away, going away from me. Even though I was sad, I wanted to see you off with a smile. And so I did. You smiled back. I thought my heart was being ripped out of my body. Still, I could not show you how I felt.

The first month without you was completely hell. I remember how I cried myself to sleep every night, how I wrote letters to you, but ended up not sending them. You also didn't send any, so I didn't want to bother you with my letters. Also, I was not sure if you were going to reply to them... The me back then was so insecure,

I was such a fool.

Time cured my sadness. I stopped shedding tears for you after a while. Of course, I was still sad that you weren't by my side and I wanted to see you no matter what. But the urge to cry every night, to think about you every second of my life, vanished. Time is such a weird thing, it can heal even the deepest wounds, when given enough of it. I started to be a lot more happier and I even went out more often.

That's when I met _him_.

A man who looked a little bit like you.

We talked, we talked _a lot._ We had a lot in common. One night, after a bit too much of alcohol, we started kissing. He kissed me so gently, it reminded me of you, so I returned the kiss. He wanted to go further, but I couldn't. A part of me wanted to go further too, but everytime _he_ touched me, I remembered you. Your face, your touches, your kisses, your gentleness, your everything. I could only think of you when I was with him, so I stopped talking to him and meeting up with him.

I am 100% sure that I hurt him, but I just couldn't be with him anymore.

I started cutting myself, I brought so much damage to my body. I punished myself for cheating on you. There is nothing left I didn't do to my body. I was so messed up.

I thought I couldn't go on with my life anymore. I was so mad. Mad at everybody. Mad at my family, mad at my friends, mad at him, mad at you, but mostly, I was mad at myself. There was a time I wanted to end my own life and do everybody a favor, I thought that nobody cared.

One year later, I got news, but it was not the news I was hoping for. I got a letter from the Survey Corps saying that you and your squad had fulfilled your duty and died heroic deaths in battle. Everything went black before my eyes. I remember waking up in a hospital room. I cried as soon as I woke up. I didn't want to believe it.

I couldn't believe it. This was not how it was supposed to happen.

After finding out about your death, everything went wrong. I didn't eat anymore. I refused to go out of my room. I didn't want to do _anything_ anymore.

Commander Erwin Smith came one day to my house, with a bag full of letters. 'Dedicated to a certain Miss Ackerman' Erwin said. You actually did write letters for me, but you never sent them, _just like me._

I read all of your letters. They contained only sweet words. You wrote you really missed me. _I miss you too._ You wrote you wanted to marry me and start a family with me. _I want that too._ You wrote that not seeing me drove you crazy. _I want to see you too_.

I was so miserable after reading your letters. Without you, my life had no meaning. I was ready to end my own life.

It was Ymir who found me in my bathtub, with blood as the water. I don't remember what happened after that. I was told that Ymir had me in her arms, rushing to the hospital. She didn't care that I was naked, I bet everybody in the hospital saw me naked.

The doctor said that I was lucky to live near a hospital, if I came a little bit later (to the hospital), I wouldn't be here right now. I had a major blood loss, so I needed to have blood as soon as possible. Armin, who has the same bloodtype as me, was willing to be the donor. I can't thank Ymir and Armin enough. I owe my life to them.

I can remember that Ymir slapped the shit out of me. She told me that if I were to do _this_ again, she would end her own life too. I cried. I couldn't stand the idea of Ymir dying. We hugged each other and we cried a lot, but it was exactly what I needed.

Now, 36 years later, everything feels like a dream. A horrible dream that sometimes makes its way to my head. It's a dream that I'd like to forget. But I can _never _forget. If I like it or not, it will always be a part of me. I also refuse to forget about you, you who made my life so perfect, but also so miserable.

Even after I suffered so much, I still love you. I love you to death. When people marry they exchange vows like _until death do us apart_ I don't want that. I don't want death to part us. Even after I die, I'll still love you.

_Aishiteru_

Mikasa'

Mikasa folded the letter and placed it on the stone right before her. It was her last letter to the person who made her life change so drastically.

'...'

'I'm always late, aren't I?'

'I had to wait for you for 36 years Mikasa, I'm tired of waiting'

Mikasa chuckled a little bit. 'Sorry, I had to make you wait so long.'

'Sorry for all of the things I never did, Levi.'

'It's okay, you're here now.'

'Are you sure you still need me, I mean, look at me, I'm so old now'

'...'

'Yes'

Mikasa didn't need to hear anything else. She closed her tired eyes. Tired of what all she had to go through. She new that from today, the dream that haunted her for so many years, will finally stop haunting her.

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Please let me know what you think! c:


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